Musings, musings, musings...I do a lot of that, and then by the time I remember to come here and type it in all of my best phrases are forgotten, and I do use a lot of nice, big words while I am musing. 
Yesterday my musing was all about soccer.  I sure love the game, especially when I am winning, but not at the expense of my integrity. 
Have you ever noticed, though, that when you are playing a sport that can get competitive, sometimes that integrity you thought you had can get a lot harder to hold on to?   I am quite blessed to have wonderful teammates who play with a positive attitude and hold each other up with encouragement as they go.  Sometimes, though, the teams we play...are quite the opposite.  We've had a team fall apart and just spend the time yelling at each other.  We've also had the team that plays dirty, knowing it's going out so kicking it farther, to tire us out as well as run the time out on the clock.  Yesterday I played keeper, and I had a girl deliberately continue to kick even as my hands were on the ball.  I got dirt in my face and a pretty scratched up knee.  I had thought it was an accident until after the game when I overheard her talking about another incident that had occurred.  She wasn't too kind. 
It makes me wonder...is the sport even fun for these people?  How can you truly enjoy something when you have feelings of discontent in your heart?  I certainly know that when I play with any kind of negative feelings, suddenly I'm not playing for fun, but for revenge or for the intent of besting someone else...and that just isn't fun for me...
So I play soccer.  I play for fun, for exercise, for socializing, and to just exist, in that moment, as an athlete and nothing else.  And I try to keep my integrity intact as I do so.   

Feeling Pretty

I'm feeling prettier than I have in a long time today...but nothing has changed.  Sure my body is steadily working it's way back into prepregnancy shape, that helps...other than that, I'm still wearing the same clothes and have the same hairstyle as always.  All that has changed is the how I feel. 
How to explain.  Sometimes it isn't what you wear or what you put on that makes you feel pretty, although a new outfit can sometimes help, it's what you are feeling inside that does the majority of the work. 
My day started out frustrating to begin with...late to church choir this morning, fussy baby during the sacrament meeting where choir was performing.  Luckily he waited until after I sang to get fussy.  But all of those feelings were normal every day feelings.  I always enjoy church and the people there.  That hasn't changed.  We came home to simple sandwiches (oatmeal for me, we ran out of defrosted bread), had a quick nap, fed the baby, and were off again to church choir practice.
How can I explain.  I get more of a spiritual uplifting from that hour of singing than in all the rest of the three hours I am at church.  Today may have been different because usually I have the baby during tht time, and I am usually bouncing and walking as I sing, but today my sweet husband took him off of my hands so I could enjoy.
I compare it to endorphins released during exercise...which also helps me to feel good about myself, but not pretty.  Must be the sweat that impedes that feeling... but the lift I get after singing is kind of like a spiritual endorphin.  I feel lifted up, I feel loved and wanted, and as a consequence, I feel beautiful. 
I walked in the church this afternoon feeling normal, and I walked out feeling absolutely beautiful...how blessed I am to have such a gift as this!

Mothers and Music...

I sat upstairs rocking my two-month old as my sweet husband played play-dough with my two-year old downstairs, his choice of music on the computer.  I couldn't help but be grateful for his wonderful taste in music.  Unlike other guys, who enjoy the hard rock and yelling and screaming craziness, my sweetheart likes piano and instrumental stuff.  Beautiful and calming. 
As I was thinking of that, I remembered choir practice, and hearing the comment, "How do you teach someone to sing who has never sung before?"  And I thought to myself, how could you not know how to sing?  It just comes out!  But then I thought, I have grown up with music.  I was taught piano at a young age, violin a little older.  I have learned music and singing from a very young age.  I have found comfort in listening to it, and joy in producing it through song and instruments.  Of course, I am no great talent, I just enjoy it.  A hobby, some might call it.  I call it an escape.  The most wonderful and healing music that I have ever heard or sung, I have heard at church, and of course the religious subtleties (and not so subtleties) put forth a spirit and a joy into my soul that cannot be copied by any other way.  I can't imagine not having that in my life, and so I think to myself, wouldn't the world be a wonderful place if only everyone could benefit from beautiful music?
And then my thoughts turn again as I look at my beautiful child.  How grateful I am for a wonderful mother and a mother-in-law who were both looking out for me when I was too exhausted and overwhelmed to do it for myself, for the rocking chair that I so enjoy using now was suggested by my mother and found by my mother-in-law.  My first reaction was worry, considering it was found by the dumpster, but a lot of disenfecting and some new cushions later and it is a joy and a blessing to sit in it and hold my precious one, who will not be held in this manner for long.  So quickly they grow, as the laughter coming from my other precious one downstairs confirms.  For now I will take this time to just enjoy the quiet moments and breathe in the wonderful spirit that associates with them.  I am a mommy, and I love it.

Why am I doing this?

During my time as a stay at home mommy, I often have time to sit and think.  Usually this time is between one and three a.m. as I am feeding my youngest, and while it isn't always coherent, there are times when I wish I had somewhere to write it down. 
I'm not the smartest individual, but someday I think I'd like to look back and see what kind of things I was thinking, if that makes sense.  Then it would be nice to see the growth I've made and how my ideas may or may not have changed.